Extremely Funny

While a lot women found our article on seducing rednecks helpful, a lot of our male readers felt slighted. The question had arisen, but no answer was ever given. “So. what about my cousin? What if I want to try and pick up my cousin? What if I would like to make sweet love to my cousin?”

And in fact, I had neglected to provide any advice for the cousin-lovin’ populous out there. And I am going to correct that error.

Other folk might ask: why your cousin? Why would you want to even try anything with someone related to you? Well, sometimes its a matter of geographics, sometimes its pure laziness, and sometimes they just look really hot.

So for the three of you who had waiting, as well as the four or five of you that just found us through Google, I offer these five simple steps on seducing your cousin.

Step 1. Get Her Very Drunk

Considering some of the social activities where the two of you may bump into each other, this may not be a very difficult task. Whether its the monster truck rally, a family reunion or Uncle Sal’s funeral, alcohol serves as the great social equalizer.

Drink choice is imperative. While you may have mastered the fine art of making pruno during your stint in the clink, diarrhea and vomiting can wreak havoc on your plans of being “kissing cousins”. A couple mason jars of hooch should do the trick.

Step 2. Find Some Common Interests

Some members of the female persuasion like to engage in something called “conversation”. So unless your cousin works at the local topless gas station or she already has eight kids with eight different daddies, you might need to actually talk to her before moving ahead.

The smart thing to do is to let her start talking, and listen to what she says. If she says something that sounds interesting, say something back.

An example of a good conversation:
Cousin: “I really like that Olive Garden place. They seem to have all types of good food.”
You: “Yes, I have enjoyed a meal or two there myself. Its very nice.”

An example of a bad conversation:
Cousin: “I really like that Olive Garden place. They seem to have all types of good food.”
You: “My left testicle hangs lower than the right.”

Can you see the difference?

Step 3. Break Down The Social Stigma

Depending on your upbringing, engaging in sexual activities with one’s cousin, may be frowned upon. So unless you want to leave your aunt’s wedding by yourself, you may have some persuading to do.

First, if she seems to not be agreeable to your suggestion of being “copulating cousins”, calmly confirm to her that you are indeed not related. Your mothers may be sisters, but your mother and her father are not related. Her mother and your father are not related. Your fathers are not related. Your parents are not related and her parents are not related. By process of elimination, you and your cousin are not related. Therefore, any activities the two of you engage in are acceptable.

Please note: If either your parents or her parents are cousins, the social awkwardness of this conversation may not be an issue. Just skip to Step 4.

Step 4. Get Her More Drunk

The first couple jars of hooch may have loosened her up, but she’s just feeling silly and not horny. She’s not ready to “make relations with her relative”. A few more drinks is just what the doctor ordered. Have her down a few Gorilla Farts and a couple Bald Tacos, and before you know it her panties will be coming off quicker than a pig in a tornado.

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Step 5. Denial

Its amazing that a lifetime of heartache can be caused by 8 seconds of animal passion. So it is important that you do not miss the fifth and final step, denial.

When she recovers the next morning, calmly inform her that nothing happened between the two of you. Sure, you may have kidded around, but in her drunken state “you” decided you were a gentleman and couldn’t take advantage of such a sweet innocent girl. The bigger the lie, the better.

It doesn’t matter what you said to her the night before, or how you felt about her.

Lie, lie, lie.

Because otherwise, twenty years down the road, an image will come across the television screen at the local watering hole, and someone will ask “Hey, isn’t that your kid?”

Somethings are better left unsaid.

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Did you find this article helpful? Have you ever engaged in the forbidden fruit known as cousin lovin’? Do you handfeed your cross-bred children apple sauce well into their thirties? Leave a comment.